My dream came true..

My dream came true but not in a good way..

A few months back I dreamt that I failed my F8..

And indeed on the 13th of February..

I did fail my F8..

Well there goes to say that I'm not as smart as what others say I am..

I'm just like any other students..

I can also fail in examinations..

Well part of this failure was due to lack of studying..

I shall start studying..

TODAY!! XD

*at Starbucks New World Park haha*

#In a few days time i will be contesting in the international speech and table topics contest D= and I still haven't crafted my speech! T_T it is gonna be nerve-wrecking =( #

At Starbucks again haha

Just finished a steamboat dinner with family not long ago..

It was extremely hot at first..

Then it started to get windy..

The wind was cooling but its blowing leaves into our food =.=

Then it started to rain heavily..

Together with the heavy wind..i can't even differentiate whether the splashes are from the rain or the oil from the steamboat =.=

My leg was even drenched!!

Sort of a bad steamboat dinner LOL

But now I'm at the comfort of Starbucks..

Fully air conditioned and of course WIFI!!

Guess hanging out at starbucks with my laptop could be a weekend routine of mine xD

Anyone want to join me? =P

#Results out tomoro =O All the best to all ACCA students! #

Doing OBU @ Starbucks =P

Spending the Saturday afternoon at Starbucks New World Park =)

Facebook

Playing Tetris Battle

Reading Toastmasters Manual

Doing OBU

and taking some vain pic using my laptop xD

*was too bored out haha*

Last but not least..

Blogging in Starbucks xD

Now back to finishing my proposal =(

#Last night I went to Muntri Mews cafe to enjoy some music. It was a nice environment with nice music of course. Didn't know there are so many nice cafes in town area. Not a bad idea just spending the night relaxing at a cafe with a drink and enjoy the wonderful performance =) I certainly start to enjoy that lifestyle and not a bad lifestyle to get used to =) #

Making friends

These few days I was kinda bored out so I decided to occupy my free time by reading a book..

I came across a book call Making Friends by Andrew Matthews..

After what I've been through about 2 weeks ago..

This book seem very relevant to me LOL

It was quite a good book after all..

Make us realise things that we know but do not apply..

Make me realise a few things..

Will there be changes to how I treat people in the future? LOL

Well maybe?

Maybe I'll change for the better =)

I do hope so haha..

And I hope I could remember those tips..

Because right now I've sort of forgotten it all xD

Anyways its a good way to spend the free time..

And its been a long time since I've read a book for leisure purposes..

Maybe I'll start my reading momentum again..

Next book..

Twenties Girl by Sophie Kinsella xD

Deja vu..

About a year ago, I did a speech regarding friendship. I was nervous, heart thumping furiously and I end up forgetting my whole speech all together. I stood up there and crafted an entire different speech. Totally different from what I prepared but the message is still there. I poured out my real emotions at that time and I continue on with my speech as my tears drip one by one.

Yesterday, I redid my CC4. Used less than 4 hours to craft and memorise my speech. I never thought I would revert back to who I am a year ago with this speech. Although I'd finished the whole CC already but last night I felt the same nervousness. The same thumping of my heart.

As I stood in front, I was totally blank. Although I had notes beside me but I restrained myself from looking and I did what I'd done a year ago. I recrafted my whole speech on the spot. One bad thing about recrafting my speech on the spot is that I will end up pouring too much of my real emotions. Once again I delivered my speech as I let my tears drip down.

I may have advance a lot compared to the me a year ago. But no matter how far I go. I still will have a lot more to learn. I guess from my speech last night, it had driven up my interest and passion in improving myself, the form to deliver speeches which I had lost ever since I finished my CC.

Seeing my friend who is so enthusiastic to finish her CC is like looking back at myself. The me who was being pushed to do speeches. The me who was put under pressure and yet I didn't mind. I lost that side of me after finishing my CC. The me now refused to be put under pressure thus losing the enthusiasm that I once had.

For the first time, I will take up the courage to see my video. I'll be posting it up here soon. The speech that made me cry again in front of an audience..

Speeches..

It has been a very long time since I last post up my speeches..

Well to be honest I have been taking a long time off after finishing my CC but right now I guess I'm sort of back on track =)

I had finished another 2 more of my advanced communicator speech quite long ago in fact but just didn't have the time to post them up so I'm gonna do it now xD

For my Advanced Communicator Bronze I had chosen The Entertaining Speaker manual

Here are my two speeches.

One of a kind.



Am I...?

Hope you guys like it =)



Time flies..

Time flies..

In a blink of an eye..

Half a year has gone by..

We've gone through many ups and downs in these 6 months..

But thank you for being with me =)

Thank you for the sweet half year anniversary present <3

First love

Someone showed me this video and this songs brings back so many memories..

I remember this is the few FIRST japanese songs that I like and ever since then I started to listen to japanese songs..

And the one person that introduced that song to me is my dear friend Chen Ni.

She is the person who influenced me to like all things japanese.

Anime, manga, jap songs, jap dramas and even sushi..

I started to like all these because of her.

Thank you for adding the japanese culture in my life xD

Saxophone..

I guess you could say this instrument have been a part of my life even before I stepped foot on earth..

Its because I was told that my mum listens to Kenny G's songs when I was still in her womb.

Well, saxophone music was buried deep in my subconscious..

 Soon it became just a normal music and not exactly the type I usually listens to..

However, after spending time with the person who enjoys playing music especially the saxophone..

I started to listen to saxophone music more and now its become one of my favourite instrument to listen to..

And after attending several jazz concerts I've come to like jazz as well =)

I feel at peace and safe listening to these music maybe cause it reminds me of being in my mother's womb..

safe and protected..

*My sentence came out weird xD hope you guys dun take it the wrong way LOL*

There are alot of first times for me and all these first times had become the things I love right now and perhaps something I love for a lifetime =)



Stuck in between..

I really really hate being stuck in between..

stuck between arguments of 2 friends..

stuck between 2 important people in my life who used to be so close but now are like strangers..

and today im stuck in between again..

this time is between the management people of my college =.=

I'm stuck in between although I have nothing to do with the situation and I have no say in it at all.

It had totally nothing to do with me and yet both of these people is making me sound like I'm the bad guy.

I just ask a simple question and the reply made it sound like its my fault for it being this way.

Just because I'm in the student council doesn't mean I'm involve in all those management conflict.

I have no say or any authority in this matter and I do not have any clue of what is going on.

I can take the blame if I'm really the one at fault but I just hate being accused and treated this way when I did nothing wrong.

And what hurts most is one of the party that treated me that way was someone whom I look up to and admired.

 A person I become quite fond of and it hurts so much to see that person treating me like I'm the bad guy and filled every sentence and every word with thorns. 

Currently I'm really hating college life. I hate all those conflicts that are going round and wish to just graduate and go to work. But going to work may not be the best option as work will also have conflict and I really hate conflict especially being inside it. All my life I never thought of becoming a housewife. I want to have a successful career of my own and not rely on anyone. But right now, for the first time in my life, being a rich housewife might not sound like a bad idea anymore..

Debate

Never in my life would I thought I would be in a debate one day..

but thanks to toastmasters I did LOL

and unbelievably I won!

but thats because I have a very experience toastmaster as my partner xD

I feel that joining toastmasters, joining Achievers is probably one thing that I would never regret..

Thanks to toastmasters and my club Achievers I have achieved so much..

and it had led me to trying out things that I've never thought I had the courage to do..

It made me speak in front of an audience..something really out of my expectations..

It made me confident in taking up leadership roles..

and now it made me participated in a debate

It is definitely a great experience..

although I was blur about what is going on in that debate and needed alot of impromptu speeches..

but I feel I did not bad LOL

I also get to work with an ang moh

who to me is too geng and intimidating LOL

but I found out he was actually quite nice

and thanks to him my team won xD

and he really put me to awe when I see him speak during the debate..

he can speak so fluently and even make people laugh..

wonder if I could be like that one day =)

Thank you to the guy who gave me the confidence and courage to try out new things..

The guy who brought me to toastmasters =)

What will I become...?

Life is really full of ups and downs..

I've always been the quiet girl who doesn't talk much as I fear offending others..

I fear being hated..

My fear finally came true..

I not only have one person hating me but the whole team..

Being the president of the student council, I end up being hated by all my members..

I started to think, what did I do to make them hate me?

But I couldn't think of anything..

Then I started to doubt myself..

Am I a bad leader?

If I were who I used to be..

I think I would be crying at the thought of having 7 people hating me..

But right now..

I don't even feel anything..

It didn't bothered me that people are hating me and it didn't bother me that I'm a bad leader to them..

Because I wasn't a leader to them in the first place..

I was never respected by them..

Never appreciated for what I've done..

I am supposed to organise an activity that will be held tomorrow but there were no participants at all..

Therefore, the activity is a total failure..

If I were who I used to be..

I would be crying and disappointed for failing in organising an activity..

But now..

I wasn't sad at all..

Instead I didn't even care that it is a failure..

I already expected the outcome and I took it well..

But all these, shows the trait of a bad leader..

Although I perform poorly in the student council..

But as the Vice President of Education in Toastmasters..

I feel I did a fairly good job..

I had the responsibility almost as much as the President..

I was praised for my efforts..

and I have conducted successful meetings after meetings every fortnight..

So am I a bad leader or not?

I really do not know..

I just feel it is worthless to put in so much effort in something where no one actually appreciates it..

and I would rather take those efforts and put it in something where I do get appreciated..

Am I wrong to think that way?

I guess I'm now kinda scared of leading a club or a team of people now..

I do not have the confidence in being able to guide and lead well..

Especially when I am treated as a little kid due to my age..

Life's really complicated but I still have to move on..

All I want now is for my term as the president of the student council to end soon..

Besides all those emo things happening in my life..

I think I may have found a potential interest today..

Looking at the photos that my friend took..

It starts to make me realise why people are so fond of photography..

I'm starting to think..

That it could be interesting and an interest worth pursuing..

especially when I have someone to pursue it with =)

Maybe by taking up this new hobby I could have more things to update on my blog and keep it alive xD

The feeling is back again..

If you all still remember..

several months ago..I wrote a post about wanting to disappear..

well that feeling came back again..

It feels like no matter what I do everything is wrong..

and I end up becoming a hindrance to others..

I made people mad..

I made people hate me..

and worst of all..

I probably made that one person's life a living hell..

I've always had problems conveying my feelings and what I really wanted to say..

and I guess I still fail in that aspect even after joining toastmasters..

because of my choice of words..

I started to hurt other people's feelings..

I'm now starting to realise the reason why I prefer to be the quiet girl who seem to disappear into the background..

its because I wouldn't say the wrong things and end up where I am today..

Maybe I really should disappear into the background..

as if there is no such existence of someone named Khaw Shu Zian..

My first speech in months...

It had been months since I deliver a speech in toastmasters..

After obtaining my CC..

I started to slack alot xD

I was really lazy to do speeches and to be honest..

I was afraid..

Well last Thursday was the first meeting of the new term..

and in this term..

I became the Vice President of Education..

It was my first meeting as a VPE and yet..

I was sick..very sick..

went to see the doctor straight after work..

the doctor said I was having a fever..

but I couldn't just go home and not go for toastmaster..

I had too many responsibilities on that night..

I had to carry out the induction for the new members..

and I was scheduled to present a speech..

I was really blur at that time and I even prepared my speech on that afternoon itself >.<

After seeing the doctor..

went for dinner..

took my medicine..

and continue on to toastmasters..

I guess the medicine helped..

I was feeling slightly better..

at least I dun have to blow my nose every minute =.=

During my speech I manage to stop my coughing to the minimum..

but I was overtime by alot >.<

can say one of my horrible speeches LOL

I was totally not prepared..

and I didn't fulfill the objective of the speech as well xD

well as usual I didnt go read the requirements before hand haha

oh well..thats the first meeting..

have a whole day of training tomorrow for toastmasters @@

hope it will be fun..

*although I doubt it would be LOL*

Hope to get my form back and get back in the game soon =)

Months have passed and a lot have happened..

Months have passed and..

I'd finished my 10 assignments in toastmasters and is now a Competent Communicator..

Months have passed and..

I've become the President of the Student Representative Council (SRC) of my college..

Months have passed and..

soon I'll become the Vice President of Education in my toastmasters club..

Months have passed and..

I'll be starting my new semester in 2 days time..F7 F8 F9..another step closer to finishing ACCA..

Months have passed and..

I'm now no longer alone in my life.. 

To most people..

I'm having a wonderful life..

active in activities and holding posts in almost everything I participate in..

I'm so busy that I barely have any rest..

I have work, college and meetings back to back..

I'm more like a busy business woman than a student LOL

I have many people around me..

I've come to know many new people..

and someone who will be there for me..

But why..

Why do I feel even more lonely than I ever was..

Due to all my activities..

I have a very tight schedule..

which causes me to be unable to participate in every single one..

Its hard juggling all the activities at once..

trying to fit them in my time..

but I'm still coping with it I guess..

Maybe because of this..

I feel left out in everything I do..

I no longer have the form and passion that I once have in toastmasters..

I was lazy and reluctant to play any roles..

and even more reluctant in doing assignments..

I feel invisible when I'm at the SRC meetings or activities..

eventhough I'm the president..

I know nothing at all of what is going on..

everyone in the council seems to be blending well with each other..

except me..

My new semester is starting soon..

although I still have some of my classmates whom I know who will still be in the class with me..

but none of them are those that I can really mix with..

none that I can call my close friend..

A few days ago..

I've met up with my friends after my tight schedule..

had a presentation in an orientation for new intake students..

had work in the morning..

had 2 back to back meetings..

I guess I was pretty tired by the time I met up with them..

But one thing I noticed that day..

I have nothing to talk to them at all..

I can't seem to find a topic which I could talk to them about..

and I can't seem to join in their conversation at all..

all I do the whole night..

is sit there quietly and just listening to their conversation..

without knowing a single thing that they are talking about..

I don't seem to belong anywhere anymore..

where do I fit in..

I felt left out..

alienated..

invisible..

no matter where I am..

I guess the only place I actually fit in..

is my workplace..

the only place where I genuinely laugh and smile..

I feel useless..

vulnerable..

unable to do anything..

I fail as a president..

as I have no idea what my committees are doing and they certainly don't see me as a leader..

I fail as a Competent Communicator..

I'm afraid of evaluating others and I can't give constructive feedbacks that will help the person I'm evaluating to improve..

I fail as a friend..

I couldn't fit in and all I did is dampened the mood..

I fail..

as I could not cheer someone up when they most needed it..

instead I've caused the mood to be even worse than it was..

Where do I belong?

Will I ever be truly happy someday?

I hate being miserable..

I hate being vulnerable..

All I want is to find a place I truly belong..

All I want is to be happy..

Is that too much to ask..?

Changes..

A month ago, these songs were just songs that were nice to listen to..

But now..

they meant something different to me..

Every time I listened to those songs..

I can't stop a smile from forming..

My life is changing..

My thoughts are changing..

My feelings are changing..

and so is my heart..

Is this a good thing?

Is it a good thing to have my guard down?

Is it a good thing to have my fears reduced?

I never thought my life could be like a storyline in a typical drama..

I used to think how nice it would be to be the main actress in the drama..

but now..

I could say its not that nice after all..

Will the ending to my story be like most of the dramas?

A happy ending?

or one that would only end up with hurt?

I really do not know..

As I turn a year older..

Thats the title of my 5th speech..

And I've successfully completed it!

Well I'm suppose to post this up weeks ago..
but due to the lazy me..
it had been postponed till now xD

As usual I was nervous for the speech..
prepared the speech a night before the toastmasters meeting..
start memorising my speech during class the following day..
practise my speech for about an hour after college..
and leaving for the toastmasters meeting..

Thats what I had been doing..
for I'm someone who procrastinate and is always last minute xD
Anyways I managed to complete my 5th assignment and guess what..
my whole speech was recorded @@

I haven't seen the video yet but its gonna be embarrassing to see it =X
Well here is the usual evaluation and my speech =)

=D

The feel is finally here!

I'm finally in the CNY mood!

=D=D=D

My close cousin came to visit today and it was fun sort of catching up with her..

We even skype with another cousin who is in Australia right now and was unable to come back this cny..

Having relatives coming to visit..

I guess you could say the atmosphere is there.

Eating steamboat together..

Having yee sang together..

Watching my mum and my aunts play mahjong..

Collecting angpaos..

*Although its more to my brother collect for me xD*

And spending time with each other..

NOW THATS WHAT CHINESE NEW YEAR IS ABOUT!

Happy Chinese New Year!

I had been really down lately and I wasn't in a good mood today as well due to certain reasons..

But I realise something..

Going to sleep after crying is a good way to forget things =D

I was angry at something this afternoon which causes me to cry..

*yes I cry when I'm angry..I don't scream or argue..I just cry xD*

Well as usual after crying our eyes will feel tired..and eventually you will feel sleepy..

And so I decided to nap.

It was just an hour sleep as I was woken up by my mum to have my reunion dinner..

I was still in a pretty bad mood but not because of what happened earlier but because I was just sleepy xD

You know it isn't a good feeling to be woken up when you are sleeping so peacefully =P

And now I'm all better =D

I've forgotten my anger and my mood had been lifted.

After all it isn't such a good thing to start a new year with a black face xD

But this year to be honest..

It doesn't feel like CNY at all..

In facebook everyone was greeting each other happy cny..

but seriously I didn't have that feel this year.

Maybe cause I was too preoccupied with other things.

To start a new year I should have something not emo

LOL

hmm..the next speech for my toastmaster is about body gestures..

one of my biggest weakness as well as my fears..

I wonder will I be able to face my fear or will I be stuck there forever..

hmm..

any topic suggestions?

if there are feel free to enlighten me =)

I need a topic that could allow me to put in body gestures

and hopefully you will see a post about my speech soon and not an emo one xD

Anyways HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR to all!!

May the rabbit year be a great one and may all of you be happy always =D

I'm all messed up..

I guess being busy isn't bad after all..

Yesterday afternoon I met up with the rest of the project team I'm in to prepare for the activity.

It is for a Valentine's day event =) 

too bad I couldn't make it on the day of the event as I have work to go to..

however I do hope it will be a successful event =D

Later at night..

I went to Straits Quay to meet up with the SSDs =D

However..we ended up detouring to gurney as there was nothing to eat at Straits Quay =(

But it was fun..

we had dinner at 7 bistro..

as usual traffic was hell at gurney and finding a carpark is even worse @@

After our dinner, we coincidently met Ling Yen!

At first she said she couldn't make it as she had to go out with her family..

but it was such a coincidence to meet her there =D

and so we went to watch a malaysian movie "Great Day"

For the first time I actually felt Malaysian movie's quality had increased..

it was quite nice..

made me cry a few drops here and there..

and it was also hilarious at some parts =D

Overall its really a nice movie to me.

I reached home around 12 something and seriously walking around the carpark at night when it was almost deserted is really scary @@

Luckily I had Ling Yen with me.

The next day *which is today*

I had work to go to..

it was as usual..

but as I was driving back alone..

I suddenly thought of some things..

and instantly my mood takes a 180 degrees change..

I realised being in a foul mood can seriously cause alot of things..

It enables me to have a really cold expression on my face..

It can make me scream at the top of my lungs..

It can make me cry in a matter of seconds..

and it can make me do things that I weren't when I was sober..

I realised I had the tendency to speed a little when I was in a bad mood..

and I become more daring..

Of course the road back today was as usual really jam..

so I couldn't exactly speed..

but I do realise one thing..

My driving is much better and steadier when I'm in a bad mood =P

I know it sounds weird but its true..

of course I don't recommend someone to be in that car with me at that time =P

but perhaps I would be able to control myself if there were others with me..

My feelings..

My emotions..

Its seriously all messed up..

How I wish to return to the time when everything was simple..

When things weren't this complicated..

After I reached home..

I guess I must really worn myself out..

I dozed off while having the tv on..

and I didn't even notice when my mum calls me..

usually I will..

But I guess..

tiring myself to sleep..

is still better than crying myself to sleep..

To all my friends..

I'm really sorry for all these emo posts nowadays..

I know its unlike me at all..

Well don't worry too much for me..

I'll be fine and I'll be able to get over it =)

The reason why I'm blogging its just to let it out..

not to worry others..

So I'll still be strong and put on smile..

and be the cheerful like I once was =)

My Saturday Morning..

After waking up at 7 for the past 5 days..

It is now the weekend!

I can finally sleep in =D

I thought I would still be sleeping now..

BUT..

I was woken up by my parents =.=

because my childhood friend had come to visit.

So I dragged myself off my bed and clean myself up in the speed of light..

As usual there were an awkward and quiet atmosphere between us..

We were just sitting there listening to our mother's chit chat..

We used to be really great friends..

We practically known each other after we were born..

We were always together..

We went to the same kindergarten..

same primary school..

But after standard 1..

we were in different classes..

she got new friends..

and being the quiet and soft spoken me..

we gradually have less in common..

come to think of it..

we were never similar in anyway.

She is outspoken while I'm not..

She cares about her look while I'm don't..

She's a huge fan of anime which I'm not at that time..

She used to stay 4 houses apart from mine..

but she moved when we were in standard 4..

and since then we just stop talking..

Even during CNY visits..

its the only time we see each other..

but nothing comes out of our mouths..

I guess today was a progress..

we actually started a topic..

talking about college and the things we are pursuing.

And that has been the longest conversation we ever had in years.

I guess today wasn't such a bad day to begin with =)