Months have passed and..
I'd finished my 10 assignments in toastmasters and is now a Competent Communicator..
Months have passed and..
I've become the President of the Student Representative Council (SRC) of my college..
Months have passed and..
soon I'll become the Vice President of Education in my toastmasters club..
Months have passed and..
I'll be starting my new semester in 2 days time..F7 F8 F9..another step closer to finishing ACCA..
Months have passed and..
I'm now no longer alone in my life..
To most people..
I'm having a wonderful life..
active in activities and holding posts in almost everything I participate in..
I'm so busy that I barely have any rest..
I have work, college and meetings back to back..
I'm more like a busy business woman than a student LOL
I have many people around me..
I've come to know many new people..
and someone who will be there for me..
But why..
Why do I feel even more lonely than I ever was..
Due to all my activities..
I have a very tight schedule..
which causes me to be unable to participate in every single one..
Its hard juggling all the activities at once..
trying to fit them in my time..
but I'm still coping with it I guess..
Maybe because of this..
I feel left out in everything I do..
I no longer have the form and passion that I once have in toastmasters..
I was lazy and reluctant to play any roles..
and even more reluctant in doing assignments..
I feel invisible when I'm at the SRC meetings or activities..
eventhough I'm the president..
I know nothing at all of what is going on..
everyone in the council seems to be blending well with each other..
except me..
My new semester is starting soon..
although I still have some of my classmates whom I know who will still be in the class with me..
but none of them are those that I can really mix with..
none that I can call my close friend..
A few days ago..
I've met up with my friends after my tight schedule..
had a presentation in an orientation for new intake students..
had work in the morning..
had 2 back to back meetings..
I guess I was pretty tired by the time I met up with them..
But one thing I noticed that day..
I have nothing to talk to them at all..
I can't seem to find a topic which I could talk to them about..
and I can't seem to join in their conversation at all..
all I do the whole night..
is sit there quietly and just listening to their conversation..
without knowing a single thing that they are talking about..
I don't seem to belong anywhere anymore..
where do I fit in..
I felt left out..
alienated..
invisible..
no matter where I am..
I guess the only place I actually fit in..
is my workplace..
the only place where I genuinely laugh and smile..
I feel useless..
vulnerable..
unable to do anything..
I fail as a president..
as I have no idea what my committees are doing and they certainly don't see me as a leader..
I fail as a Competent Communicator..
I'm afraid of evaluating others and I can't give constructive feedbacks that will help the person I'm evaluating to improve..
I fail as a friend..
I couldn't fit in and all I did is dampened the mood..
I fail..
as I could not cheer someone up when they most needed it..
instead I've caused the mood to be even worse than it was..
Where do I belong?
Will I ever be truly happy someday?
I hate being miserable..
I hate being vulnerable..
All I want is to find a place I truly belong..
All I want is to be happy..
Is that too much to ask..?
