I'm all messed up..

I guess being busy isn't bad after all..

Yesterday afternoon I met up with the rest of the project team I'm in to prepare for the activity.

It is for a Valentine's day event =) 

too bad I couldn't make it on the day of the event as I have work to go to..

however I do hope it will be a successful event =D

Later at night..

I went to Straits Quay to meet up with the SSDs =D

However..we ended up detouring to gurney as there was nothing to eat at Straits Quay =(

But it was fun..

we had dinner at 7 bistro..

as usual traffic was hell at gurney and finding a carpark is even worse @@

After our dinner, we coincidently met Ling Yen!

At first she said she couldn't make it as she had to go out with her family..

but it was such a coincidence to meet her there =D

and so we went to watch a malaysian movie "Great Day"

For the first time I actually felt Malaysian movie's quality had increased..

it was quite nice..

made me cry a few drops here and there..

and it was also hilarious at some parts =D

Overall its really a nice movie to me.

I reached home around 12 something and seriously walking around the carpark at night when it was almost deserted is really scary @@

Luckily I had Ling Yen with me.

The next day *which is today*

I had work to go to..

it was as usual..

but as I was driving back alone..

I suddenly thought of some things..

and instantly my mood takes a 180 degrees change..

I realised being in a foul mood can seriously cause alot of things..

It enables me to have a really cold expression on my face..

It can make me scream at the top of my lungs..

It can make me cry in a matter of seconds..

and it can make me do things that I weren't when I was sober..

I realised I had the tendency to speed a little when I was in a bad mood..

and I become more daring..

Of course the road back today was as usual really jam..

so I couldn't exactly speed..

but I do realise one thing..

My driving is much better and steadier when I'm in a bad mood =P

I know it sounds weird but its true..

of course I don't recommend someone to be in that car with me at that time =P

but perhaps I would be able to control myself if there were others with me..

My feelings..

My emotions..

Its seriously all messed up..

How I wish to return to the time when everything was simple..

When things weren't this complicated..

After I reached home..

I guess I must really worn myself out..

I dozed off while having the tv on..

and I didn't even notice when my mum calls me..

usually I will..

But I guess..

tiring myself to sleep..

is still better than crying myself to sleep..

To all my friends..

I'm really sorry for all these emo posts nowadays..

I know its unlike me at all..

Well don't worry too much for me..

I'll be fine and I'll be able to get over it =)

The reason why I'm blogging its just to let it out..

not to worry others..

So I'll still be strong and put on smile..

and be the cheerful like I once was =)

My Saturday Morning..

After waking up at 7 for the past 5 days..

It is now the weekend!

I can finally sleep in =D

I thought I would still be sleeping now..

BUT..

I was woken up by my parents =.=

because my childhood friend had come to visit.

So I dragged myself off my bed and clean myself up in the speed of light..

As usual there were an awkward and quiet atmosphere between us..

We were just sitting there listening to our mother's chit chat..

We used to be really great friends..

We practically known each other after we were born..

We were always together..

We went to the same kindergarten..

same primary school..

But after standard 1..

we were in different classes..

she got new friends..

and being the quiet and soft spoken me..

we gradually have less in common..

come to think of it..

we were never similar in anyway.

She is outspoken while I'm not..

She cares about her look while I'm don't..

She's a huge fan of anime which I'm not at that time..

She used to stay 4 houses apart from mine..

but she moved when we were in standard 4..

and since then we just stop talking..

Even during CNY visits..

its the only time we see each other..

but nothing comes out of our mouths..

I guess today was a progress..

we actually started a topic..

talking about college and the things we are pursuing.

And that has been the longest conversation we ever had in years.

I guess today wasn't such a bad day to begin with =)

Should I just remain as a quiet girl who disappears into the background..

I used to speak really little and being very quiet most of the time..

even when speaking one on one..

it is more of a one way communication..

the other party would do most of the talking..

while I will be the one listening, nodding and answering at appropriate times..

But as I grew up..

I got closer to the ones I know..

I start to open up a little more..

and so do the words coming out of my mouth..

Of course with that I'm able to meet new people and make more friends..

however..

is it really a good thing..

People start trusting me with their stories..

and now I doubt myself..

am I really worth being believed in by others..

I thought I knew what I'm suppose to speak of and what I'm not..

and knew when is the right time to do so..

But today..

I was proven wrong..

I did a mistake and that may ruined a friendship..

Maybe being a girl who disappears into the background isn't such a bad thing after all..

I wonder..

I wonder..

am I a happier person now compared to 2 years ago..

am I more cheerful 2 years ago..

am I friendlier 2 years ago..

had I gradually lost my smile now..

My days in CGL especially in 5 Arif was always filled with laughter..

no matter how tired I was..

or how much I dread going for school..

I will still end up going home filled with laughter..

But as I go to college..

I feel that ignoring the presence of others had become a habit of mine..

and I tend to have a cold expression on my face..

Is this becoming a really bad thing..

Then I started thinking..

I didn't laugh and smile as much as I did when I was in 5 Arif..

Every day was passed by with the same routine..

attending class and going straight home after..

although it was almost the same routine as it was when I was in high school..

but somehow its lacking..

its lacking the fun..

the laughter..

the feeling that I'm home..

Friends are really hard to come by..

even after a year in college..

I couldn't really find a friend like the ones I found at 5 Arif..

Will I be able to find that atmosphere..

the laughter..

the fun of hanging out with friends..

 in PTPL..

Would I be able to miss college when I graduate like I did when I leave high school..

or will I be spending the rest of my time there repeating the same routine over and over again..

and just leave when its time to go..

Every minute and every second..

People say time is precious..

that we should spent every minute, every second to the fullest..

and yet..

why do we still prefer to procrastinate..

I thought my life is busy..

due to work..

college..

toastmasters..

society project..

I thought my time is packed to the fullest..

But..

I realized I still have time to laze around..

even though my to-do list is getting longer and longer..

I had 3 test coming this week and on the SAME day! =(

but even during my free time..

I couldn't get myself to study..

My notes were open in front of me..

my eyes were skimming through the words..

I'm reading the words..

but nothing goes into my mind..

nothing make sense..

it was as if I wasn't reading at all..

I used to think..

I work well under pressure..

which is why I'm a last minute person.

But these days..

I feel like I'm becoming overly relax..

I can't seem to find that pressure..

that anxiety..

that uncertain feeling that I will fail..

These feelings were my motivation..

However..

what is my motivation now?

I'm feeling extremely relax..

even when the deadline is near..

as in really near!

I completely lose the feeling of being under stress and pressure..

yes i do feel stressed out and pressured when I can't remember what I studied..

but not to the extent of making myself cry..

all I had to do is look at my laptop..

listen to some music..

and the stress and worries are all gone..

I used to cry whenever I was overly stressed..

but after crying I would work harder..

and my brain seems to work better..

I still remember the subject which I cried for the most is history..

as it involves a lot of memorising.

Somehow..

*although its weird*

I'm missing that feeling..

I want to make myself cry out of stress!

I want to be able to scare and pressure myself so that I can be motivated!

However..

its seems almost impossible these days..

Is it because I'm getting more confident of myself?

Is it a good thing or a bad thing?

Now..

the only time I cried due to nervousness..

is after I made my speeches..

I'd actually cried twice..

Does that mean my only fear now is to speak in front of a crowd?

And that I'm not that worried about exams anymore?

I am seriously lost..

I guess only the results can answer all those questions..

What is my motivation?

Where is my motivation?

I really hope to find it back soon..

The Road Less Travelled

Whewwwwwww

I've finished my fourth speech!

It was really a relieved and I'd talked about a topic which I don't really had the courage to talk about..

Every single time my parents talk to some relatives or friends about this matter..

There will be a number that will say I make a terrible mistake and that I was dumb to not accept it..

It is of course of the fact that I rejected a JPA scholarship to UK to pursue accountancy..

Every time I hear those comments..

I would have a breakdown..

Not because I regretted my choice..

But the fact that I'm still bothered by the words of others..

I'm mad at myself for not being able to be firm and support my own opinion..

I guess you could say..

I've conquered another of my fears..

I am able to speak of that topic!

I am sort of proud of myself at that moment..

Although my speech wasn't perfect..

and I had a lot of room for improvements..

But it was a big step for me.

And I would like to thank someone..

my mentor..

LOH E-JIAT

Although he is always pushing me..

even this assignment I didn't ask him to put me in..

but as usual he acted on his own and put my name in..

However..

without his "pushing"..

I wouldn't strive this far..

so..

THANK YOU!

excuse my ugly writing xD

What a busy week..

~ SUNDAY ~

On Sunday, I had to attend a TLI workshop. Basically its a leadership training workshop for the exco members of a toastmasters club and since I'm the secretary, I had to participate in it. The workshop was from 1-6pm. I thought it would be a boring one and I would be spending 5 hours there dying from boredom. However I was extremely wrong. The whole workshop was pretty interesting and they had excellent speakers. One speaker that really caught my attention is Dennis Wee. Wonderful and amazing slides as well as a great delivery of his speech. You could really tell that he is a really good speaker and that you will never fall asleep listening to him. Through him, I had learnt how to evaluate which turn out to be my topic for my third assignment: Get To The Point. Of course the choice of that topic as my next assignment wasn't my idea..instead its my mentor's who as usual is telling and not asking.

~ MONDAY ~

It was another normal day at work but after lunch time, the teacher I'm under told me that she won't be able to come to work for the whole week! And so I had to take over the classes. She told me what exercises to give the students and all that. With that, I started handling the classes on my own. On that day, I only had 2 classes which I had to handle alone..which is the Std 4 and 5. The standard 4s were very hyper and I feel like I'm more of a friend than a teacher to them. However things can get out of hand with them as they can end up being extremely noisy @@. The standard 5s..overall was okay. They weren't as noisy as the std 4s BUT there were 2 students who definitely is giving me a headache as they always refuse to do their work until near the end of the class =.= .

~ TUESDAY~

On that day I had to officially take over the classes from std 1-6 on my own! I was pretty nervous to start with..handling kids on my own. I started off with the std 2s..they were okay and extremely enthusiastic on that day until they are unwilling to go for their tea break @@. The std 3 was in my opinion the worst class to handle..although they were quiet BUT once they finished their work..the girls started putting dictionaries on their head and walking around the classroom and the boys were reading comics *sigh* I guess I weren't stern enough. Next is the std 1s..and omg they were extremely noisy @@. They keep complaining to me bout each other and all of them were talking to me at the same time that my head feels like its about to explode! Yet another group that treats me more of a friend than a teacher LOL..however they were too cute to get mad on xD. Later in the afternoon were the std 4 and 5 again which is about the same as it was in the first day.

~ WEDNESDAY ~

The third day was approximately the same as the second. All went quite smoothly and I finally got the 2 std 5s to do their work. At first as usual both of them were day dreaming instead of doing and so I set a time limit and it did get a reaction out of them BUT the boy is still day dreaming..and when I actually collect the books when the time is up only then he scramble to finish off his work. I even made him stay back to copy the notes which he didn't copy as he was dreaming away. He even talked back to me =.= .

~ THURSDAY ~

I was back in college! Indeed studying life is still better. Yet another BUT I had toastmasters that night and I had alot of roles to play for that night. I was the table topic master and also will be doing my speech that night. I haven't prepare the questions for the table topics and I end up preparing them in my performance management and law class which explains the sort of tough questions xD. *I apologise to those that had to answer my table topics questions..do excuse my sanity of my mind at that time when I'm preparing the questions xD.* I was also memorising my speech in the middle of tax class and I had only prepared my speech the night before @@. Everything was really rushed on that day. I had also experienced nervousness that whole night. First I was nervous for the table topics session and soon it was time. I was nervous throughout the whole table topics but I'm glad it ended well. Even after that I weren't able to calm down as I had my speech coming up soon and I was the first speaker@@. As my name was called out, I walk out to the front and gave my speech. I was so nervous that my hands were shaking when I'm holding the papers that I've prepared and even when I walked back to my sit..I was thinking what had I said in my speech? Did I miss out any points? and seriously none of those answers came to mind as my mind was totally blank and all I feel was a sense of relief. All in all everything ended well on that night and I received a good evaluation for my speech and I was happy =D.

Evaluation as a table topic master =)

My speech

Evaluation for my speech =D

~ FRIDAY ~
It was yet another normal day at class..which bores the hell out of me. I actually fell asleep during tax @@. I feel so bad to my lecturer. He is actually someone who is really nice and even if the student is sleeping he wouldn't scold! Which made me even more guilty..this is seriously the first time i actually dozed off in class. *sigh* Shall try to stay awake next time..

~ SATURDAY ~
I had to wake up at 7am to go to yet another workshop at seberang jaya. This workshop is called How To Craft A Speech by Dennis Wee. The reason I agreed to go was due to the persuading of my mentor as well as Dennis being the speaker. Indeed the workshop was interesting and I didn't regret attending. During the workshop, a video of him during the District competition and also a video of a World Champion was shown and it blew me away. The speech given by those two were absolutely amazing and once you've seen it, you could definitely know why they had won.

It was indeed a busy week and I'm somehow surprised at how I actually cope with all that. Tomorrow I'll be back to work and soon I will be having my short tests which all happens to fall on the same week @@..gotta start revising soon but I doubt I will anytime soon as I tend to procrastinate xD *someone please make me study!*

01.01.2011

2011

Its already a year ever since I'd left high school and enrolled in college..

Time seriously flies in this one year..

In a flash, I'll be 19 O_O

I had just finished my external exam few weeks ago..

and soon it was christmas..

This year my Christmas had been fun =D

with a bbq party at the beach on Christmas night and another small party at cherylene's house <3

2010..

is a year where I had to make big decisions..

a year to face lots of challenges..

a year to take up responsibilities that I had only envied and admired but never had the chance or courage to accept..

a year out of the comfort zone that I had in CGL..

but 2011..

will be a year where I will be working part time *it starts tomoro D=*

will be a year facing ACCA..

will be a year to expand my knowledge and learn new things..

Although 2010 is over but at the same time I'm looking forward to 2011 =)

Looking forward to all the unpredictable things that would happen and make me a better person.

May everyone have a wonderful year ahead of you!