What will I become...?

Life is really full of ups and downs..

I've always been the quiet girl who doesn't talk much as I fear offending others..

I fear being hated..

My fear finally came true..

I not only have one person hating me but the whole team..

Being the president of the student council, I end up being hated by all my members..

I started to think, what did I do to make them hate me?

But I couldn't think of anything..

Then I started to doubt myself..

Am I a bad leader?

If I were who I used to be..

I think I would be crying at the thought of having 7 people hating me..

But right now..

I don't even feel anything..

It didn't bothered me that people are hating me and it didn't bother me that I'm a bad leader to them..

Because I wasn't a leader to them in the first place..

I was never respected by them..

Never appreciated for what I've done..

I am supposed to organise an activity that will be held tomorrow but there were no participants at all..

Therefore, the activity is a total failure..

If I were who I used to be..

I would be crying and disappointed for failing in organising an activity..

But now..

I wasn't sad at all..

Instead I didn't even care that it is a failure..

I already expected the outcome and I took it well..

But all these, shows the trait of a bad leader..

Although I perform poorly in the student council..

But as the Vice President of Education in Toastmasters..

I feel I did a fairly good job..

I had the responsibility almost as much as the President..

I was praised for my efforts..

and I have conducted successful meetings after meetings every fortnight..

So am I a bad leader or not?

I really do not know..

I just feel it is worthless to put in so much effort in something where no one actually appreciates it..

and I would rather take those efforts and put it in something where I do get appreciated..

Am I wrong to think that way?

I guess I'm now kinda scared of leading a club or a team of people now..

I do not have the confidence in being able to guide and lead well..

Especially when I am treated as a little kid due to my age..

Life's really complicated but I still have to move on..

All I want now is for my term as the president of the student council to end soon..

Besides all those emo things happening in my life..

I think I may have found a potential interest today..

Looking at the photos that my friend took..

It starts to make me realise why people are so fond of photography..

I'm starting to think..

That it could be interesting and an interest worth pursuing..

especially when I have someone to pursue it with =)

Maybe by taking up this new hobby I could have more things to update on my blog and keep it alive xD

The feeling is back again..

If you all still remember..

several months ago..I wrote a post about wanting to disappear..

well that feeling came back again..

It feels like no matter what I do everything is wrong..

and I end up becoming a hindrance to others..

I made people mad..

I made people hate me..

and worst of all..

I probably made that one person's life a living hell..

I've always had problems conveying my feelings and what I really wanted to say..

and I guess I still fail in that aspect even after joining toastmasters..

because of my choice of words..

I started to hurt other people's feelings..

I'm now starting to realise the reason why I prefer to be the quiet girl who seem to disappear into the background..

its because I wouldn't say the wrong things and end up where I am today..

Maybe I really should disappear into the background..

as if there is no such existence of someone named Khaw Shu Zian..