Stuck in between..

I really really hate being stuck in between..

stuck between arguments of 2 friends..

stuck between 2 important people in my life who used to be so close but now are like strangers..

and today im stuck in between again..

this time is between the management people of my college =.=

I'm stuck in between although I have nothing to do with the situation and I have no say in it at all.

It had totally nothing to do with me and yet both of these people is making me sound like I'm the bad guy.

I just ask a simple question and the reply made it sound like its my fault for it being this way.

Just because I'm in the student council doesn't mean I'm involve in all those management conflict.

I have no say or any authority in this matter and I do not have any clue of what is going on.

I can take the blame if I'm really the one at fault but I just hate being accused and treated this way when I did nothing wrong.

And what hurts most is one of the party that treated me that way was someone whom I look up to and admired.

 A person I become quite fond of and it hurts so much to see that person treating me like I'm the bad guy and filled every sentence and every word with thorns. 

Currently I'm really hating college life. I hate all those conflicts that are going round and wish to just graduate and go to work. But going to work may not be the best option as work will also have conflict and I really hate conflict especially being inside it. All my life I never thought of becoming a housewife. I want to have a successful career of my own and not rely on anyone. But right now, for the first time in my life, being a rich housewife might not sound like a bad idea anymore..

Debate

Never in my life would I thought I would be in a debate one day..

but thanks to toastmasters I did LOL

and unbelievably I won!

but thats because I have a very experience toastmaster as my partner xD

I feel that joining toastmasters, joining Achievers is probably one thing that I would never regret..

Thanks to toastmasters and my club Achievers I have achieved so much..

and it had led me to trying out things that I've never thought I had the courage to do..

It made me speak in front of an audience..something really out of my expectations..

It made me confident in taking up leadership roles..

and now it made me participated in a debate

It is definitely a great experience..

although I was blur about what is going on in that debate and needed alot of impromptu speeches..

but I feel I did not bad LOL

I also get to work with an ang moh

who to me is too geng and intimidating LOL

but I found out he was actually quite nice

and thanks to him my team won xD

and he really put me to awe when I see him speak during the debate..

he can speak so fluently and even make people laugh..

wonder if I could be like that one day =)

Thank you to the guy who gave me the confidence and courage to try out new things..

The guy who brought me to toastmasters =)

What will I become...?

Life is really full of ups and downs..

I've always been the quiet girl who doesn't talk much as I fear offending others..

I fear being hated..

My fear finally came true..

I not only have one person hating me but the whole team..

Being the president of the student council, I end up being hated by all my members..

I started to think, what did I do to make them hate me?

But I couldn't think of anything..

Then I started to doubt myself..

Am I a bad leader?

If I were who I used to be..

I think I would be crying at the thought of having 7 people hating me..

But right now..

I don't even feel anything..

It didn't bothered me that people are hating me and it didn't bother me that I'm a bad leader to them..

Because I wasn't a leader to them in the first place..

I was never respected by them..

Never appreciated for what I've done..

I am supposed to organise an activity that will be held tomorrow but there were no participants at all..

Therefore, the activity is a total failure..

If I were who I used to be..

I would be crying and disappointed for failing in organising an activity..

But now..

I wasn't sad at all..

Instead I didn't even care that it is a failure..

I already expected the outcome and I took it well..

But all these, shows the trait of a bad leader..

Although I perform poorly in the student council..

But as the Vice President of Education in Toastmasters..

I feel I did a fairly good job..

I had the responsibility almost as much as the President..

I was praised for my efforts..

and I have conducted successful meetings after meetings every fortnight..

So am I a bad leader or not?

I really do not know..

I just feel it is worthless to put in so much effort in something where no one actually appreciates it..

and I would rather take those efforts and put it in something where I do get appreciated..

Am I wrong to think that way?

I guess I'm now kinda scared of leading a club or a team of people now..

I do not have the confidence in being able to guide and lead well..

Especially when I am treated as a little kid due to my age..

Life's really complicated but I still have to move on..

All I want now is for my term as the president of the student council to end soon..

Besides all those emo things happening in my life..

I think I may have found a potential interest today..

Looking at the photos that my friend took..

It starts to make me realise why people are so fond of photography..

I'm starting to think..

That it could be interesting and an interest worth pursuing..

especially when I have someone to pursue it with =)

Maybe by taking up this new hobby I could have more things to update on my blog and keep it alive xD

The feeling is back again..

If you all still remember..

several months ago..I wrote a post about wanting to disappear..

well that feeling came back again..

It feels like no matter what I do everything is wrong..

and I end up becoming a hindrance to others..

I made people mad..

I made people hate me..

and worst of all..

I probably made that one person's life a living hell..

I've always had problems conveying my feelings and what I really wanted to say..

and I guess I still fail in that aspect even after joining toastmasters..

because of my choice of words..

I started to hurt other people's feelings..

I'm now starting to realise the reason why I prefer to be the quiet girl who seem to disappear into the background..

its because I wouldn't say the wrong things and end up where I am today..

Maybe I really should disappear into the background..

as if there is no such existence of someone named Khaw Shu Zian..

My first speech in months...

It had been months since I deliver a speech in toastmasters..

After obtaining my CC..

I started to slack alot xD

I was really lazy to do speeches and to be honest..

I was afraid..

Well last Thursday was the first meeting of the new term..

and in this term..

I became the Vice President of Education..

It was my first meeting as a VPE and yet..

I was sick..very sick..

went to see the doctor straight after work..

the doctor said I was having a fever..

but I couldn't just go home and not go for toastmaster..

I had too many responsibilities on that night..

I had to carry out the induction for the new members..

and I was scheduled to present a speech..

I was really blur at that time and I even prepared my speech on that afternoon itself >.<

After seeing the doctor..

went for dinner..

took my medicine..

and continue on to toastmasters..

I guess the medicine helped..

I was feeling slightly better..

at least I dun have to blow my nose every minute =.=

During my speech I manage to stop my coughing to the minimum..

but I was overtime by alot >.<

can say one of my horrible speeches LOL

I was totally not prepared..

and I didn't fulfill the objective of the speech as well xD

well as usual I didnt go read the requirements before hand haha

oh well..thats the first meeting..

have a whole day of training tomorrow for toastmasters @@

hope it will be fun..

*although I doubt it would be LOL*

Hope to get my form back and get back in the game soon =)

Months have passed and a lot have happened..

Months have passed and..

I'd finished my 10 assignments in toastmasters and is now a Competent Communicator..

Months have passed and..

I've become the President of the Student Representative Council (SRC) of my college..

Months have passed and..

soon I'll become the Vice President of Education in my toastmasters club..

Months have passed and..

I'll be starting my new semester in 2 days time..F7 F8 F9..another step closer to finishing ACCA..

Months have passed and..

I'm now no longer alone in my life.. 

To most people..

I'm having a wonderful life..

active in activities and holding posts in almost everything I participate in..

I'm so busy that I barely have any rest..

I have work, college and meetings back to back..

I'm more like a busy business woman than a student LOL

I have many people around me..

I've come to know many new people..

and someone who will be there for me..

But why..

Why do I feel even more lonely than I ever was..

Due to all my activities..

I have a very tight schedule..

which causes me to be unable to participate in every single one..

Its hard juggling all the activities at once..

trying to fit them in my time..

but I'm still coping with it I guess..

Maybe because of this..

I feel left out in everything I do..

I no longer have the form and passion that I once have in toastmasters..

I was lazy and reluctant to play any roles..

and even more reluctant in doing assignments..

I feel invisible when I'm at the SRC meetings or activities..

eventhough I'm the president..

I know nothing at all of what is going on..

everyone in the council seems to be blending well with each other..

except me..

My new semester is starting soon..

although I still have some of my classmates whom I know who will still be in the class with me..

but none of them are those that I can really mix with..

none that I can call my close friend..

A few days ago..

I've met up with my friends after my tight schedule..

had a presentation in an orientation for new intake students..

had work in the morning..

had 2 back to back meetings..

I guess I was pretty tired by the time I met up with them..

But one thing I noticed that day..

I have nothing to talk to them at all..

I can't seem to find a topic which I could talk to them about..

and I can't seem to join in their conversation at all..

all I do the whole night..

is sit there quietly and just listening to their conversation..

without knowing a single thing that they are talking about..

I don't seem to belong anywhere anymore..

where do I fit in..

I felt left out..

alienated..

invisible..

no matter where I am..

I guess the only place I actually fit in..

is my workplace..

the only place where I genuinely laugh and smile..

I feel useless..

vulnerable..

unable to do anything..

I fail as a president..

as I have no idea what my committees are doing and they certainly don't see me as a leader..

I fail as a Competent Communicator..

I'm afraid of evaluating others and I can't give constructive feedbacks that will help the person I'm evaluating to improve..

I fail as a friend..

I couldn't fit in and all I did is dampened the mood..

I fail..

as I could not cheer someone up when they most needed it..

instead I've caused the mood to be even worse than it was..

Where do I belong?

Will I ever be truly happy someday?

I hate being miserable..

I hate being vulnerable..

All I want is to find a place I truly belong..

All I want is to be happy..

Is that too much to ask..?

Changes..

A month ago, these songs were just songs that were nice to listen to..

But now..

they meant something different to me..

Every time I listened to those songs..

I can't stop a smile from forming..

My life is changing..

My thoughts are changing..

My feelings are changing..

and so is my heart..

Is this a good thing?

Is it a good thing to have my guard down?

Is it a good thing to have my fears reduced?

I never thought my life could be like a storyline in a typical drama..

I used to think how nice it would be to be the main actress in the drama..

but now..

I could say its not that nice after all..

Will the ending to my story be like most of the dramas?

A happy ending?

or one that would only end up with hurt?

I really do not know..