Every minute and every second..

People say time is precious..

that we should spent every minute, every second to the fullest..

and yet..

why do we still prefer to procrastinate..

I thought my life is busy..

due to work..

college..

toastmasters..

society project..

I thought my time is packed to the fullest..

But..

I realized I still have time to laze around..

even though my to-do list is getting longer and longer..

I had 3 test coming this week and on the SAME day! =(

but even during my free time..

I couldn't get myself to study..

My notes were open in front of me..

my eyes were skimming through the words..

I'm reading the words..

but nothing goes into my mind..

nothing make sense..

it was as if I wasn't reading at all..

I used to think..

I work well under pressure..

which is why I'm a last minute person.

But these days..

I feel like I'm becoming overly relax..

I can't seem to find that pressure..

that anxiety..

that uncertain feeling that I will fail..

These feelings were my motivation..

However..

what is my motivation now?

I'm feeling extremely relax..

even when the deadline is near..

as in really near!

I completely lose the feeling of being under stress and pressure..

yes i do feel stressed out and pressured when I can't remember what I studied..

but not to the extent of making myself cry..

all I had to do is look at my laptop..

listen to some music..

and the stress and worries are all gone..

I used to cry whenever I was overly stressed..

but after crying I would work harder..

and my brain seems to work better..

I still remember the subject which I cried for the most is history..

as it involves a lot of memorising.

Somehow..

*although its weird*

I'm missing that feeling..

I want to make myself cry out of stress!

I want to be able to scare and pressure myself so that I can be motivated!

However..

its seems almost impossible these days..

Is it because I'm getting more confident of myself?

Is it a good thing or a bad thing?

Now..

the only time I cried due to nervousness..

is after I made my speeches..

I'd actually cried twice..

Does that mean my only fear now is to speak in front of a crowd?

And that I'm not that worried about exams anymore?

I am seriously lost..

I guess only the results can answer all those questions..

What is my motivation?

Where is my motivation?

I really hope to find it back soon..